Live in the Question

Rituals, memory and consequences

“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart...live in the question.” — Rainer Maria Rilke

***

(Note: This is a rewrite of a little essay from the early days of the pandemic in April 2020. It again feels relevant now. The postscript is from today.)

There is so much we cannot control in these times that the only sensible choice we have is to continue (or reinstate) the small daily rituals that bring us comfort. One of these for me is drinking coffee. On certain days, I grind whole beans, filtering the grounds, and drinking the coffee black.

As I do so, I remember passing the piles of coffee beans on the side of the road in Central America and Southeast Asia. At the time I traveled there, I was gathering follow-on research from Circle of Poison, the book I wrote with Mark Schapiro.

Part of that research indicated an ugly fact: The pesticides we were researching could work their way systemically inside the coffee plant and end up as deposits in the beans -- the two flat sides of each pair nestled like a peanut inside the purplish-reddish shell.

No reputable scientist we interviewed believed the tiny residues that ended up in our cups, after shelling, grinding, filtering and boiling, represented a significant health threat to human beings.

So, almost counter-intuitively, I found myself arguing in media interviews that there was no danger from drinking coffee. In fact, it had never been my intention to focus on American consumer safety. My motivation was to highlight the dangers to Third World farmworkers who sprayed those pesticides on the coffee plantations.

As a former Peace Corps Volunteer, and a journalistic world traveler, I'd seen many examples of these dangers, including from overhead crop dusters. On several occasions I was coated by clouds of pesticides like paraquat and malathion while doing my research; in fact I was hit by malathion so often I knew its smell.

But the unwanted chemical showers I received was nothing of consequence when stacked against the daily experience of farmworkers and their children. I was a visitor who could choose to be there and get sprayed or not.

They did not have that choice.

Over the years, there has been some progress around the world in curtailing the use of dangerous pesticides, but the syndrome Schapiro and I wrote about remains.

So it goes. Now I am resuming my coffee ritual, in the midst of this pandemic. As I contemplate my life and compose my memoir, the coffee tastes good but the memories are bittersweet.

P.S. As of 2025, there are persistent reports of a connection between at least one of the commonly sprayed pesticides I wrote about, paraquat, and Parkinson’s Disease. Last October, I was diagnosed with P.D.

HEADLINES:

• Donald Trump’s Cabinet of Revenge (New Yorker)

• No survivors expected after air ambulance carrying 6 crashes in Philadelphia, aircraft company says (NBC)

• Hamas frees 3 hostages and Israel releases Palestinian prisoners in 4th exchange of ceasefire (AP)

• Trump's Justice Department launches sweeping cuts targeting Jan. 6 prosecutors, FBI agents (Reuters)

• Trump’s tariffs on Canada, Mexico and China: will they spark a trade war? (Guardian)

• The Dumbest Trade War in History Trump will impose 25% tariffs on Canada and Mexico for no good reason. (WSJ)

• Businesses, shoppers brace for higher prices if tariffs on Mexico and Canada imports start Saturday (NPR)

• Washington Crash Renews Concerns About Air Safety Lapses (NYT)

• Trump launched air controller diversity program that he now decries (WP)

• DCA crash puts Trump's appalling unfitness on full display (Public Notice)

• What’s the Point of Trump’s War on D.E.I.? (New Yorker)

• Elon Musk Is Trying to Get Control of Key Payment System—at Any Cost (TNR)

• Senior U.S. official to exit after rift with Musk allies over payment system (WP)

• Trump: Federal Workers Will Be Fired Unless They End Remote Work And Return To Office Soon (Forbes)

• Trump Administration Shocks Senior F.B.I. Ranks by Moving to Replace Them (NYT)

• RFK Jr. kept asking to see the science that vaccines were safe. After he saw it, he dismissed it (AP)

• EPA dismisses science advisers (The Hill)

• Defense Department dumps travel policy for troops seeking abortions (Military Times)

• The Department of Transportation has released a memo including an oddly specific requirement that feels dystopian. [HuffPost

• Immigrant Communities in Hiding: ‘People Think ICE Is Everywhere’ (NYT)

• Hamas Turns Hostage Releases Into a Humiliating Spectacle for Israel (WSJ)

• A career official tried to undo Trump’s purge at USAID. He was then purged, too. (WP)

• What to know about Trump's freeze on foreign aid (Axios)

• US aid was long a lifeline for Eastern Europe. Trump cuts are sending shockwaves through the region (AP)

• Trump’s Foreign Aid Freeze Causes Fear of H.I.V. Resurgence in Africa (NYT)

• US foreign aid freeze is upending global aid and the work of contractors (CNN)

• Russia is closing in on a key Ukrainian city. (Reuters)

• This Is No Way to Talk About Children (Atlantic)

• Where L.A.’s Wealthiest Evacuees Are Fleeing After the Fires (Hollywood Reporter)

• A lost dog was returned to his owner after nearly eight years. When the two were reunited thanks to a microchip, it was clear that their bond was still strong. (WP)

• Copyright Office suggests AI copyright debate was settled in 1965 (Ars Technica)

• The new AI trade emerging after DeepSeek shock (Axios)

• How DeepSeek crashed the AI party (Verge)

• ICE Agent Decides He Wants Kids After Seeing Incredible Love And Devotion Of Parents Begging Him Not To Take Their Child (The Onion)